After The Storm

Being single and happy is something not hard to accomplish. But, you see, it's not being single that bothers me. I have this void I can't seem to fill. I don't really understand why I feel this way, but at the age of twenty I want a family. Some feel like maybe I am rushing through my life or that I'm bored or something, but it's not about anyone else. I don't have a desire to party my twenties away like the rest. I feel like my time would be better spent finishing school and building a family and a life with someone I love. In the end, it's not about how many mornings you woke up hungover or how many times you have had your heartbroke. It's about the relationships you make with other people and how you make them feel about theirselves. When I am thirty I would rather look back and smile and know I didnt waste one minute of my twenties with my head over a toilet, but instead being a mother and a wife. I don't know, maybe I am silly and maybe this blog will scare men away, but I know if they are real men and want the same they will stick around. Maybe I am too mature and am asking for the impossible here, but we will see in time.

“Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help

 them, at least don't hurt them.”
--Dalai Lama XIV

Genesis 29:20

Is it so much to ask for, really?! Wanting a man to ask me on a date instead of to his bedroom? I don't really know, but it seems as though my standards have slipped of late. I used to be the girl who giggled when a guy would give her a comment, and blushed when he held her hand. It seems as though I have lost touch of what is important. I have lost respect for myself. If I could go back and change things I have said and done I would, but I can't.  All I can do is accept that I have made mistakes and change my life. I want to be an example for other women, but most importantly my neice. Though she is only eight months, she is constantly growing and learning new things. One thing I want her to learn is that she is beautiful and she deserves respect. I know my blog seems like a bitch-fest but its really not. All I am asking for is a man who is selfless and has respect for himself and others around him, someone who is honest and willing to love someone more then himself.  He will find me, I just have to be patient and know when God is telling me it's time to let love in.

Tremble for yourself, my man,
You know that you have seen this all before
Tremble Little Lion Man,
You'll never settle any of your scores
Your grace is wasted in your face,
Your boldness stands alone among the wreck
Now learn from your mother or else spend your days biting your own neck

One-Eighty

Sitting here at my grandmother’s, thinking about the past year and what has brought me to this place. Before I moved here I felt like I failed at what I was trying to accomplish, and I felt like I was going backwards. You see though, sometimes you have gone so far down one road, you have to back track to get to another that is ultimately better for you. As weird as this sounds, I want to thank my ex for everything he did and didn’t do. Thank you for dragging me down and making me feel worthless. Thank you for being yourself and pushing me away…away to here. You have made me a better and stronger person and I know now what I deserve, and its something way better then anything you could have ever gave me.  I can't wait to see what comes next for me, because it only gets better from here <3

See these? These will be in my closet soon. Along with some other new

articles of clothing. It's funny, once you move out on your own you buy less and less

for yourself, where soon you feel bad stopping at McDonald's

 to buy a cheeseburger for. Haha, gotta love adulthood. :]

enough said...

Why is happiness such a hard concept for me to grasp? I want nothing more then to be able to say if I died tomorrow I lived my life to the fullest and am happy where I am at. I have this amazing family, great friends, and a wonderful life. Why can't I sit back and appreciate the things I have accomplished? I have all these wonderful things, a stable job, a house, and car I have basically paid off--why am I not satisfied? Is it that I go home and feel emptiness the minute I pull in the driveway. You see, I am not one to cling onto someone because I am scared of loneliness.. I have mastered the art of being alone, but now, now it's just getting old. I want to find someone that makes me want to come home, and I miss before I leave. I want someone I can watch bad movies with and shares my love of the small things, like new sheets and candles that smell like cookies. Just doesn't seem fair sometimes, but ahh I do this to myself. I want to bad to be able to open my heart and love again, but when I get close to someone I shut down. Not sure exactly why. It's not fear of being hurt because I know everyone is going to hurt me. I feel like I am starting over all over again.  Someone wake me up when my life has started please, none of this rewinding shiz either!


This beauty here, is my niece. This has nothing to
 do with the post but I must say, she is
B-E-A-U-Tiful! I can't wait to
 meet her <3



Stupid Is, Stupid Does Ma'am

I could feel really dumb right about now. Funny thing is that I don't in the least. He told me he loved me and that he would never leave. He told dreams he had about me and how he always wanted to be with me. So do I feel stupid for believeing him? No, not at all. He should feel like the dumb one. He should feel ashamed of himself for being eveything he said he would never be. Such a coward, you are. I could be angry at you, but I'm not. I should be. I don't know why, but I can't be mad. Maybe because I know all too well how you feel. It is hard to let go of something so comfortable. All I asked was that you were honest and you couldn't even do that much. You preach Semper Fi, but can't live it. I hope one day you open your eyes and realize how deep you cut by saying nothing at all.

I don't have nothing to regret at all in the past,

except that I might've unintentionally hurt somebody

else or something.

--Jimi Hendrix

the summer sends it's love to you

And think of me tonight
when everyone leaves and you're alone,
Think of me tonight,
I'm counting the days until you come home.

The summer sends its love to you,
the same as every year.
But this year I will send mine too,
and wish that you were here.



jammin' out to a band i just discovered--this band
will be my everyday tunes this summer on the way to work



twenty-four eight baby!

I am exhausted. I feel like I work eight days a week. Sometimes I feel like it's worth it cause I make bank, then others I feel like Red Lobster is consuming my life. Sure, money is great, get my car paid off, buy some new furniture and clothes, but am I compromising my mental stablility and physical well being for "stuff?"  I am just at a loss as what to do with my life. I don't know what I want anymore. I wish I had the drive of some of this people I go to school with, but I just don't. What is wrong with me? Spring break is this next week, thank God. I think I would die if I didn't get a break of some sort. Gah, I wish Danny were home. I miss him. He made everything okay. He made me happy.

 I am very tired." "Well," said the tree, straightening herself up as much
 as she could, "well, an old stump is good for sitting and resting. Come, Boy,
 sit down. Sit down and rest." And the boy did. And the tree was happy.